When Will I Enjoy My LIfe?

I was audio texting a friend recently. Because that's seemingly the connection I can offer in this life stage, and because I don't want to feel alone. As a mom and dear friend she gets it. She's in the throes of the season, too. While processing aloud the latest with my children, work and internal world, a lump of tears cracked my voice as I concluded with "when am I going to enjoy my life?!" 

In that instant I caught my own attention, as if it was said by someone else, not me. The dissociation represented a repressed feeling below my surface--a sentiment that was so deep down I didn't know was there. But it was accurate and tired. 

I got through the rest of the text, and my inner dialogue quieted to a loud, unified scream of the same question. After the epiphany came bombarding reflections. An honest part of me needed that question asked. Yet another parts of me challenged--is it the "right" question to ask, or a fair one? Is it selfish to wonder if life's to be enjoyed?And… Am I the only one asking this?

Perhaps it's the core of what many of us feel but are hesitant to voice. It's natural to long for life to give back to us--a desire for life to give back to us given how much we've invested in it. Wanting something to be easy for once, or to give us a break from the intensity.

There's an abundance of roles we play every single day--and each of them relentlessly demanding in their own way. When “keeping up” is the best case scenario rather than getting ahead,  it's no wonder we have an existential crisis about whether life is something just to get through. With the piles of responsibilities, appropriate worries, emotional ebb and flow, and reparenting ourselves, it's really hard to enjoy the fruits of our effort. Candidly, it often feels impossible.

So… when will I enjoy my life? I'm in the middle of figuring out the answer. Not sure yet whether there's a dedicated life season to be enjoyed, or if I'll collect enough lessons and maturation leading me to arrival. The answer may be just to look for the enjoyable moments in the chaos, but that also feels hard. Redirecting negative thoughts, stopping intrusive ones, perspective shifts and behavior modifications all feel like work. And working to enjoy feels like an oxymoron. Now, right or wrong, I'm hanging onto hope that enjoyment will eventually happen--it will just come to me, with minimal intervention of my own. I'm waiting for it. Not because I'm lazy, entitled,andr not because I think that's how finding enjoyment actually happens, but because I'm depleted. So while I could expand here on some quick fixes or motivational words around grit and bettering yourself, I'm not in that place. Today's not the day I seek and find enjoyment, but tomorrow could be. And that's okay.

Does this resonate with you? Is this a question you’ve asked? Am I alone?